


i get so lost inside your eyes (would you believe it?)

by josiie



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lowercase, M/M, adam is an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29439438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josiie/pseuds/josiie
Summary: "kaoru goes home with kojiro. one day, he’ll get back at adam. but that day can wait for a bit more, as he lays down right next to kojiro. he’s warm and he keeps pulling him back into his orbit. and, for once, kaoru doesn’t try to fight it.he falls asleep listening to kojiro’s heartbeat."
Relationships: Nanjo Kojiro | Joe/Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom, past adam/cherry
Comments: 10
Kudos: 204





	i get so lost inside your eyes (would you believe it?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pazz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pazz/gifts).



> hi! this is my first work for the fandom and i hope you all enjoy it! :D i'm in love with those two dorks tbh  
> happy valentine's day ❤
> 
> TW/CW:  
> adam/cherry is an abusive relationship in the fic but it's not very detailed, except for one particular instance of choking that is a bit more explicit. please let me know if i need to tag anything else.

kaoru meets kojiro when he’s just ten. kojiro is loud and talkative and makes everyone around him laugh. kaoru hates it at first. he likes the quiet - he’s used to it. it’s familiar and _almost_ comforting. but kojiro never leaves him alone. he keeps pushing and pushing and eventually kaoru has no other choice but to let him in. he has to get used to the loud voice and the loud laugh and the dumb jokes he keeps making in hopes to get kaoru to laugh - and, more often than not, he succeeds and kaoru feels light and happy, even though he tries to hide his smile as well as he can.

as soon as he lets kojiro in, it seems impossible to get away from him. it almost feels like the gravitational pull they were taught about. kojiro is big and warm and bright like the sun and kaoru is like a distant planet that tried hard to get away, but had to give up. it doesn’t matter how rude, how cold, how indiferent kaoru tries to act - kojiro is always there and finds a place for himself in kaoru’s life.

kaoru gets a little bit less used to the silence. he appreciates kojiro’s presence around him.

❀ ❀ ❀

it’s kaoru who starts skating. it was a stupid accident, if someone asked him about it (but the best accident it could have happened to him). kojiro is still his best friend and, apart from him, he doesn’t really get along with anyone else. he thinks people around him are uninteresting and he doesn’t really give them much of his time.

however, he knows plenty of people like kojiro. he knew the girls in class were jealous of the time they spent together (and he didn’t miss the looks they give him as his hair grew more and more and kojiro spent his time clumsily trying to braid it). he knew other boys didn’t understand why kojiro wanted to be around him and get him involved in any activities. so, it didn’t come as a surprise when someone tried to end that.

“hey, kaoru!” one of his classmates calls, in one of the rare occasions kojiro is not around and kaoru is immediately suspicious. his classmate has a smile on his lips, almost as if trying to look nice, but his voice betrays his intentions. kaoru almost wants to laugh - they really think he’s hopeless without kojiro, but they’re wrong.

“i called you,” the same student says again, sitting on his desk, with two of his friends standing right next to the table. “it’s not polite to ignore someone when they call.”

kaoru sighs. he knows they won’t leave until he talks to them - or until kojiro is back but he doesn’t need his help. ignoring them is tempting, but solving the problem as quickly as possible is the logical thing to do.

“what do you want?” kaoru asks, seeing the surprised look on his classmates’ faces. did he really rely that much on kojiro? did they truly believe he wouldn’t be able to handle himself?

“we invited kojiro to hang out with us after class and he refused. again.” the other boy says and kaoru knows exactly where this is going. kojiro said no because he’s going to walk him home and keep him company until his parents are home. kaoru never asks, but kojiro never leaves him alone.

“that’s none of my business. have you considered he just doesn’t want to hang out with all of you?” kaoru can feel the frustration coming from the other boy and he can barely hide a smile. it’s really none of his business - it’s not his fault that kojiro keeps putting him first.

“race me.” his classmate orders. “we’ll skate and if you lose you leave kojiro alone.” he continues, his voice trembling with excitement. kaoru doesn’t know how to skate and he knows the boy sitting on top of his desk can. still, he doesn’t know when to back off - not when kojiro is involved, at least. “he doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone like you.”

and those words hurt more than kaoru dares to admit.

“deal.” he says.

as soon as the words leave his lips, his classmate laughs, clearly satisfied, and goes back to his seat, expecting an easy win.

kaoru spends the rest of the day avoiding kojiro. he knows it’s childish and he knows the other boy is concerned but he can’t just let him know what he’s about to do. he feels embarrassed about being so desperate for kojiro’s presence that he would do something as silly as that.

he almost runs when the classes are over and heads to the place he was told - a park just behind the school. the floor seems to be in terrible condition and kaoru knows the probability of seriously injuring himself if he falls is very high. he has no idea how he’s going to explain that to anyone else.

the other classmates are already standing there and one of them throws a skateboard in his direction. it’s clearly old - the wheels seem to be barely hanging to the board and the colors are almost fading off. it’s ironic how he only sees the shades of green and the pink (or maybe red that doesn’t look red anymore) and he wonders if they picked it on purpose - and immediately discards that possibility because there’s no way they would know those are their favorite colors.

“should i go first?” kaoru asks and only gets laughs in response. he rolls his eyes, feeling a mix of annoyance and fear. now that he’s here, it seems like an even sillier thing to do and just the most un-kaoru thing he has ever done. still - he’s not about to run away. even if he completely humiliates himself, he’s doing it to prove a point.

he slowly tries to move and tries to balance himself on top of the board. it’s not hard, when he’s moving so slowly, but he has no idea what else to do. he moves his body back, trying to make a turn, and falls on the floor, feeling the judgement of everyone else. but it’s not enough to get him to give up so he gets up and tries again and fails and tries again and fails and tries again and-

“KAORU!”

he knows that voice. he can feel the concern in kojiro’s voice. he’s laying down on the floor and he can’t feel anything except his heart, beating fast.

he looks to the side and sees kojiro push the one who dared him to skate to the floor. it doesn’t look pretty. he’s pretty sure kojiro would hurt him more but he runs away with his friends and kojiro immediately turns his attention back to him.

“i usually trust you not to do stupid things, kaoru!” and kaoru laughs because that’s true. it’s usually kojiro that does the silly things and kaoru is there to make sure they get out of trouble. he sees kojiro’s expression softening as well, as he checks for any serious injuries and finds none.

“how did you find me?” kaoru asks, taking kojiro’s hand as he gets up. he knows he barely gave kojiro any time to follow him.

“hana told me.” he says and kaoru is suddenly very thankful for the shy, quiet girl that sits right behind him. he’ll have to thank her with some candy. “she heard your conversation in class and ran to tell me after you left.” he pauses, almost as if hesitating to say more, but continues. “it’s not true, you know?”

“what?”

“i hang out with you because i like you. i’m not stuck with you.” kaoru is pretty sure he sees kojiro blush a bit at the admission and he’s pretty sure he’s blushing too. if anyone asks, he’ll blame it on it on the heat. “so, stop doing stupid things to keep my friendship. i’m not leaving you.”

“for once, you’re right, you stupid idiot.”

“hey! you’re the stupid idiot now!”

“do you want to try and learn how to skate with me?” kaoru asks and kojiro smiles.

kaoru feels warm.

❀ ❀ ❀

kaoru and kojiro are seventeen when they meet ainosuke.

they are skating in the same park where kaoru lost the competition when he was thirteen. no one ever goes there - and that’s why a stranger stands out so much. he’s wearing an ill-fitting blue suit, as if he was just a child playing dress up, and he watches them closely. kaoru doesn’t like it. kaoru hates to be watched.

“hey, man, you good?” kojiro asks, as he stops and looks at the stranger in the suit. he seems unbothered by the question and slowly walks over to them. kaoru stops right next to kojiro and he can feel kojiro’s hand on his back, pulling him closer. protectively.

“i didn’t mean to bother you two. i’m sorry.” the stranger says and smiles. kaoru doesn’t trust him, but he tries to ignore it. it’s been just him and kojiro for so long - he’s just not used to someone invading their space. “i’m shindo ainosuke, nice to meet you both.” he bows to them and kaoru looks at kojiro unsure of what to do. kojiro shrugs.

“i’m kojiro.” he says. kaoru doesn’t remember the last time he was so cold towards anyone else. “what are you doing here? i’ve never seen you around.”

“oh, i’m sorry. i just recently moved because of my father’s business. i’m going to be supervising how business is going in this location.” he keeps smiling and kaoru can only find it more and more uncomfortable. “but as i was driving i couldn’t help myself. i saw you two skate and i had to come and introduce myself since i’m a skater myself.” ainosuke explains and kojiro seems to relax a bit. kaoru figures that it’s okay - it’s just someone who shares the same passion as them. if kojiro is okay with him, kaoru should be too.

“you don’t seem like the type of person who likes to skate.” kojiro says and ainosuke laughs as if it’s the most hilarious thing he has ever heard. “i’m serious, dude!” kojiro seems to be getting more playful and kaoru tries to relax, giving the boy a little smile as he looks back at him.

“i get that a lot.” ainosuke admits. “but i really like it. and if any of you give me a board, i can show you exactly what i can do.”

kojiro gives him his board and ainosuke winks at them. he gets on top of the board and, as he skates, it’s almost as if time stops. kaoru can barely take his eyes out of the older man - and when he finally looks at kojiro, he’s completely mesmerized.

“come back here tomorrow. same time.” kojiro says, with a big smile on his face, as soon as ainosuke gives him back his board. “i want to skate with you!”

“i’ll be here.” ainosuke says, fixing up his clothes the best he can. “i hope we can be good friends.” he waves them goodbye and runs back to where he came from.

kaoru looks at him as he leaves. he’s curious about ainosuke.

❀ ❀ ❀

kaoru is eighteen when he kisses another man for the first time.

he supposes it didn’t come out of nowhere. they had been friends for a year. they had formed S, a new, secret skating circuit that only the very best had access to. they had spent a lot of time together and ainosuke always gave him the extra attention he needed - especially after kojiro had found himself a girlfriend.

he hadn’t been jealous of kojiro. he was happy his best friend had found someone to make him happy. but he felt like he was being left behind - and ainosuke never let him feel bad about it.

so, when kojiro leaves them both at kaoru’s house to meet his girlfriend and they are both already more drunk than they are ready to admit, they kiss for the first time. ainosuke is warm, just like kojiro, and he is looking at kaoru like he’s the most beautiful star in the sky and his face is so close - kaoru doesn’t even think before his lips touch the older man’s lips.

ainosuke kisses back and, _god_ , kaoru feels himself fly. he has known for a while he doesn’t look at girls the same way the other boys do, but kissing another man feels electrifying. he doesn’t think about anything else and just lets himself melt in ainosuke’s arms.

he pulls him closer and closer and kaoru can barely think. it’s messy and terrible but he wouldn’t have it any other way. when he pulls away for just a second, to catch his breath, ainosuke is still looking at him like he’s this wonderful, precious thing and kaoru pushes his thoughts of kojiro away and kisses ainosuke again.

“let me make you feel good, little cherry.” adam whispers. “you’re all mine.”

“i’m all yours.” and it feels like a lie, but cherry doesn’t care, because adam is taking off his clothes and kissing his neck and making him feel everything he has ever wanted.

❀ ❀ ❀

joe seems distant the days after cherry tells him he’s dating adam. he avoids them both and finds excuses to leave them alone. adam tells cherry not to worry - he’s just trying to give them privacy. cherry doesn’t buy it and he shows up at the restaurant joe is working at, trying to talk to him.

it’s around midnight when joe finally leaves and sees cherry sitting in the doorstep of the restaurant, clearly feeling cold. joe has no other choice but to wrap his jacket around cherry, even with all the complaints.

“sorry i kept you waiting for so long, kaoru.” joe says and immediately corrects himself, seeing the expression on the other man’s face. “cherry.”

“it’s not a problem.” cherry says and he means it. he would wait for as long as he had to, just to make sure there were no misunderstandings. “we’re good, right, joe?”

joe nods. “peachy.”

cherry can tell he’s lying but he isn’t sure why so he pretends to believe it. it’s easier for everyone that way.

“well, that’s all i wanted to know.” cherry wants to say more but he’s not sure joe wants to talk about it. he doesn’t really want to ask if joe hates him now that he knows he’s into other men. he doesn’t think joe is distant because of that because he knows him, but he also doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. “i’ll be going now.”

“wait.” joe asks. “i’ve been acting like an asshole, i know. it’s just that i broke up with that girl i was seeing and i haven’t been feeling good. sorry.” he apologizes and gives cherry a small smile. “want to come to my house and drink some beers? my treat.”

“i guess adam can handle himself for one night.” cherry says, not missing the way joe’s smile falters at the mention of the older man’s name. “let’s go.”

he texts adam, letting him know he’s going to spend the night at joe’s house. adam doesn’t reply that night. kojiro dyes his hair green and convinces kaoru to dye his own hair pink.

when he finally gets back home, adam hits him for the first time and tries to wash the pink off his hair. kaoru never stops painting it after. he doesn’t go after joe again either. joe stops showing up in races and cherry is completely alone.

❀ ❀ ❀

cherry isn’t sure where all went completely wrong. he’s laying down in adam’s bed, waiting for him to come back home. he went on some work meeting, which cherry knows is complete bullshit. he’s probably fucking his assistant in some cheap hotel, telling him everything he wants to hear - telling him everything cherry has heard from adam as well.

_you’re beautiful._

_you’re special._

_you’re mine._

_i want to wreck you._

_i want to destroy you._

_you’ll never leave me._

cherry wishes he had been smarter but he was just eighteen and adam was twenty four. adam was twenty four and had all the experience to manipulate him into something he couldn’t quite get away from, even two years later.

he knew he was supposed to get ready for adam. shower himself, using the cherry blossom scented soap he had in his bathroom, and shave if needed. he should dry himself and put the perfume adam had picked for him on his birthday, even if the smell made him sick. he was supposed to wait in nothing but a light pink robe and then adam would decide what they would do for the night.

it usually wasn’t anything too demanding. cherry had to pretend he didn’t see the hickeys on adam’s neck, as he slowly undressed him, and then he would undress himself as well, getting down on his knees and sucking adam’s dick until he came inside his mouth. if adam was feeling particularly stressed, he’d order cherry to get in bed and he’d fuck him until he took his frustration out on him, not caring at all about how he felt, before heading to the bathroom to take a shower.

but cherry barely had any strength left to do anything. he was laying in bed, wearing one of adam’s silk pajamas, indifferent to what would happen if he didn’t do exactly as adam wanted. why should he put in the effort to please adam? to keep him around? to keep his loneliness away, now that he had no one but adam?

he’s tired. he’s tired of pretending. he’s tired of getting nothing from adam.

when he hears the front door opening, cherry doesn’t do anything. he waits, anxiety making him paralized. there’s nothing adam can do that would hurt him more than he already has. he’s not afraid of being hit. he’s not afraid of being used as nothing more than an object for adam’s pleasure. he’s not even afraid of something worse.

he’s alone.

he lost the fight a long time ago.

the room’s door opens.

adam gets inside and looks at him. cherry knows he’s not happy. he can barely stop his tears when adam gets on top of him and looks at him full of hatred.

“what have you done, my cherry?” adam asks. “why are you trying to make me upset?”

cherry flinches when adam’s hand caresses his cheek. he knows the affection is not real.

“why do you keep hurting me, cherry? i don’t want to do this.”

and cherry can’t breathe. adam’s hands are on his neck, choking him. he looks nothing like the man cherry fell in love with and cherry is ready to die at his hands right at that moment.

he closes his eyes and lets himself go.

❀ ❀ ❀

he wakes up with the sunlight hitting his eyes. cherry can barely believe he’s not dead. at least not after the night he just had. the last thing he remembers is the weight of adam’s hands on his neck, trying to suffocate him.

he hears the water in the bathroom running and he lets himself cry for the first time in years. he’s scared. he almost died and he did nothing to stop it. he kept pushing people away until it was just the two of them and now he had nowhere else to go. cherry feels small and vulnerable and he hates feeling like that. he was always strong. he was always capable of protecting himself. but now he’s crying in adam’s bed and he doesn’t know what to do.

the water stops running after what feels like months but cherry is sure it’s only been a few minutes. shortly after, adam emerges from the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around his waist and when he looks at cherry he looks nothing like the man who tried to hurt him yesterday. he seems seriously concerned and, seeing cherry’s tears, he runs to the bed and tries to wipe them away. when cherry refuses, he seems deeply hurt.

“i’m so sorry, my love.”

he’s not actually sorry and cherry is well aware of that. it doesn’t mean it’s not nice to believe he might be, as he tries to hold cherry in his arms and protect him, even if the enemy is adam himself.

“i’m so sorry.” he repeats.

cherry is tired.

“i love you, my cherry.”

❀ ❀ ❀

kaoru has no idea where he’s going. adam had left, without another word, and the only thing cherry could think about was leaving. he had left everything he had (he didn’t want anything that adam had given him) and he had just walked out of the house, in casual clothes, trying to blend in.

he isn’t sure what brings him to the restaurant. he isn’t even sure if joe- kojiro works there anymore. but he was nowhere else to go - no one else to go. so he sits on the doorstep and he waits until it’s lunch time.

kojiro does find him. his expression seems to be cold at first but, as soon as he sees the hand marks on kaoru’s neck, his expression switches to concerned and he brings kaoru inside, locking the door to anyone else. the restaurant changed since the last time kaoru had been there and kojiro’s name was the one on the wall.

“you own the place now?” he asks. “i’m so proud, you idiot.”

“what the hell happened to you, cherry?”

“that’s not my name anymore.” kaoru says and kojiro hugs him tight. kaoru knows this is what home feels like.

❀ ❀ ❀

kojiro doesn’t let him go to S races anymore. he takes him to skate at the park where they used to train and doesn’t ask questions when kaoru just breaks down. he holds him close until he’s ready to go and he brings him home and cooks for him and makes sure he’s comfortable and well-cared for. kaoru is almost afraid but he knows kojiro isn’t like adam. he’s almost ashamed of admitting he thought adam could replace kojiro in his life.

kojiro tries to find him other things to do and kaoru finds some peace in calligraphy. it forces him to focus on something else than what he’s feeling and kojiro brings home new types of paper and new pens and new brushes. kaoru tries to teach him but kojiro fails miserably and kaoru laughs at how bad he is.

he’s thankful his friend still wants him around after everything. kaoru tries to help around to show he’s grateful but kojiro just wants him to focus on healing. it doesn’t matter if kaoru thinks washing dishes would help him heal - kojiro says he’s perfectly fine with doing that himself.

and kaoru knows it’s now always true. kojiro is exhausted most of the time and he’s just trying his best to make sure kaoru is… okay. kojiro never asks for anything in return because he’s too good. he’s the biggest idiot kaoru has ever met.

“i’m thinking about finding a studio and giving calligraphy lessons.” kaoru says one night, when they’re sitting on the floor of kojiro’s kitchen, drinking a bottle of wine by themselves. “that way i can get out of your house too.”

“i don’t want you to leave again, kaoru.” kojiro laughs and takes another sip of the wine. “i never want to let you out of my sight again, understand? not after what that asshole did to you.”

“it’s not your fault, kojiro.” kaoru says, holding kojiro’s hand and squeezing it, reassuringly. “you took me back when i needed the most. that’s all that matters to me.”

kojiro laughs again and kaoru has no idea what is going on with him. it’s a sad laugh, almost as if kojiro is trying not to cry. kaoru has never seen him cry.

“it’s my fault. i got away because i couldn’t stand to see you with him.”

_oh._

kaoru doesn’t want to assume anything but-

“were you in love with me?” he asks.

kojiro looks at him.

“i’m still in love with you.”

❀ ❀ ❀

if kojiro remembers the previous night, he says nothing. he gets up, cooks breakfast for kaoru as it’s usual and heads out to the market to buy produce for the restaurant. kaoru doesn’t say anything either - he’s too scared of throwing off the balance they had created.

he does think a lot about the implications of the conversation they had the night before. kojiro is in love with him. kojiro has been in love with him for god knows how long. kojiro was dating other people, but kaoru was the one person he loved.

kaoru isn’t sure if he’s in love with kojiro. kaoru isn’t sure if he can even get involved into a relationship after everything that happened with adam. but kaoru is sure he was in love with kojiro when he was thirteen. and when he was seventeen. and kaoru is sure he only kissed adam because kojiro had left and he felt terribly lonely because his best friend wasn’t in love with him - or so he thought.

it almost feels like they had tragically missed the opportunity to be together after all the years of friendship. kaoru doesn’t blame kojiro - it’s scary enough to be in love with your best friend. he knows exactly why kojiro didn’t try to confess. he was scared to ruin whatever they had going on and kaoru is guilty of doing exactly the same thing.

adam was an easy way out.

kaoru regrets not telling kojiro exactly how bothered he was back then when he had his first girlfriend. he regrets not telling him it’s always been about him. it’s always been about the two of them and no one else and kaoru was just too stupid to figure it out - and he guesses kojiro was too.

they have another chance now. it’s not going to be easy because kaoru isn’t even sure if he wants to do this but he’ll try. for kojiro at least, because he deserves a chance. he doesn’t believe he’ll bring kojiro the happiness he’s looking for, but he’ll try his best.

kaoru makes tea and waits.

kojiro comes home early that day and kaoru tells him he’s willing to give it a try.

❀ ❀ ❀

their first date is a movie. it’s safe and boring and it helps them both keep their nerves under control. they pick an action movie that requires very little attention from them and they just sit in the empty theater, holding hands and drinking coke from the same straw. it’s awfully domestic and cute and kaoru has fun for the first time in years.

they go to the arcade after and kojiro is awful at every single game they play. kaoru can’t help but laugh seeing the frustration of his best friend and he tries very hard to be terrible as well, but it doesn’t work very well. kaoru ends up carrying a stuffed bear he won by himself, trying to cheer up kojiro, which doesn’t work very well.

“stop being such a sore loser, kojiro.”

“i’m not a sore loser! i just wanted to get you something!”

“get me some dinner then!”

kojiro takes him out for dinner after. they go to a fancy sushi place kojiro loves and where he has a private booth just for the two of them. kaoru appreciates the effort, even if their waiter keeps winking at kojiro, almost as if asking how the whole date is going. he’s pretty sure it’s reki, the red haired kid he’s seen around S, but he doesn’t ask. he eats his dinner and laughs at kojiro’s jokes and holds his arm as they leave the restaurant.

“thank you for this.” kaoru says and it’s genuine appreciation. he’s glad kojiro decided to take another chance on him after everything. “i really enjoyed myself, kojiro.”

“i really enjoyed myself as well.” kojiro says and turns his face towards kaoru. he knows exactly what this means and he’s more than happy to give kojiro what he wants. he kisses kojiro and when he kisses back he feels completely loved.

“i love you so much, kaoru.”

“i love you too, kojiro.”

❀ ❀ ❀

cherry finally comes back to S, with joe by his side. adam isn’t around and he hasn’t been for a while. cherry is scared but he’s not willing to let adam come between himself and something he loves this much. skating has been a part of his life for a long time and he wants to enjoy it as he did back then.

“race me, cherry!” joe asks and cherry tries to seem as annoyed as he can.

the crowd goes wild, thinking they despise each other and bets on whoever they think is going to win the race. joe sticks his tongue out at him and cherry barely has any time to respond before the green light is on.

it feels freeing to race against joe and not think about adam. joe is doing this because he cares about him and, no matter what, joe will be there for him at the end of the race. he’ll keep helping him build his new board with an AI system and he’ll make fun of him for still not being able to turn well.

he wins the race anyway.

and joe comes at him, with the biggest smile in the world and pulls him closer, just before whispering in his ear. “let’s go back home.”

kaoru goes home with kojiro. one day, he’ll get back at adam. but that day can wait for a bit more, as he lays down right next to kojiro. he’s warm and he keeps pulling him back into his orbit. and, for once, kaoru doesn’t try to fight it.

he falls asleep listening to kojiro’s heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! :)
> 
> paz, bby, i hope you enjoy this as gift! thank you for reading and giving me the sweetest review before i posted. it actually gave me a lot of confidence ❤


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